Helping children overcome fears not only eases their anxieties, it also provides an opportunity to build the parent-child relationship. As you and your child work through fears together, he learns to regard you as a valuable source of support.

The ability to imagine monsters without the ability to reason them away as imaginary creatures results in a developmental stage where little persons are likely to have big fears. Fears vary from child to child. One child's fear is another's fascination. Some children love to play with the vacuum cleaner.

Other kids regard it as a noisy monster that eats things. The school-age child becomes more afraid of changes in relationships, danger, and health issues (e.g., being hit by a car, not being able to breathe, divorce of parents, or death). Children become fearful at different ages, at different intensities, and about different things.

In our family, once we started practicing sleep-sharing sixteen years ago, we didn't have monsters in the bedroom, but Hayden and Erin did go through a stage when they were scared of the dark . When Matthew did not develop this fear, we wondered why. When it finally did show up, he was old enough to understand an explanation - we told him he was scared because his imagination was growing. He liked being able to understand his fear, and it seems to us that he grew out of it quickly.

Fear is one of the earliest emotions, and with a little help from caregivers, the child can turn this unpleasant feeling into an opportunity for emotional growth.

Learning to deal with fears is one of the child's earliest lessons in dealing with emotions and using outside help. Understand and support your child during these times, and the closeness between you will grow.

• "Don't be afraid,"
• "Stop being a baby,"
• "Big boys (or girls) don't get scared."

These don't put out the fears they only drive them underground.

Now the child is not only afraid of the dark, but he's also afraid to tell anybody about his fear, or seek help with handling it. What began as a normal childhood problem is now chipping away at his ability to trust others.

Without reinforcing your child's fears, empathize with them:

"When I was a child I was afraid of a dark bedroom, too."

Acknowledge your child's fears in order to help her work through them. Strike a balance.

Don't ignore the fears, but don't get over-involved in them either, or your child will play up the fear to get your attention.

When responding to children's fears, give them two messages:

• It's all right to be afraid.
• It's good to share your fears and ask for help.

Reassure your child that

"Mom and dad (or trusted adult) will keep you safe."

Remember not to put your child down by saying:

• "There's nothing to be afraid of." 
• "That's silly."

Never use or create fears to discipline your child:

• "The boogie man will get you if you get out of bed." 
• "God will punish you if you talk back."

The principle of gradually increasing exposure helps the child overcome fear of the dark. Play dark tag, beginning with the lights on in a room that preferably has a dimmer switch so that you can gradually dim the lights.

Play hide-and-seek at dusk, and let the game extend into the darkness. Play follow the leader as you weave around the yard at night on an exploring expedition. Initially, hold your child's hand as you explore together.

Give your child his own flashlight to keep next to his bed so that he can turn it on to shed light onto suspicious piles of clothing that turn into "a bear" when there's no light. Sometimes just knowing that he has the power to change the darkness into light is enough to quell the fear.

Or just leave a light on his room; it won't interfere with his ability to sleep. He'll start turning it off himself when he's older.

Do these kinds of responses mean that you have "caved in" to childish behavior? No, they don't. They mean you understand what that dark and shadowy room looks like to your child; your recognizing his reality by playing along shows him a way of mastering his fears. How else can a parent confront a pretend monster, if not by pretending a little?

As your child grows older, the problem with joining in on fictitious fears is that you reinforce the idea that monsters really do exist. We don't believe in "chasing the monster away" games once children can understand the difference between real and pretend.

Tell your child matter-of-factly: "Monsters are only on drawings or TV. They aren't real. And even if they were real, Daddy wouldn't let them get in our house." Draw a monster picture and show your three-year-old the difference between real and imaginary. ("Monsters are pretend. Lions are real and Daddy won't let any lions in here either.")

Since we share sleep with our children, we haven't had this monster-in-the-bedroom problem ourselves. Once our kids are secure enough at night to graduate from our bedroom, they are past the age of being tricked by their imagination. Even if your child sleeps in his own room, a lovely part of his bedtime ritual could be Mom or Dad lying down with him as he falls off to sleep, until he is old enough to enjoy going to sleep on his own.

Try helping your child imagine a substitute scene: "When you dream about anything scary, imagine a train at the end of your bed. Whenever you're afraid you can hop on the train, and mommy and daddy will be right there in the train with you. You ride around in the train for a little while with mommy and daddy, and then the train comes back and stops at the end of your bed. You get off, and you crawl back into bed, and by that time you'll forget the scare."

Offering substitute make-believe works for the sensitive child who feels threatened at any suggestion that the monsters aren't real and that therefore you think he's dumb for even thinking about monsters. The best way to get rid of nighttime fears is to prevent them by practicing a style of nighttime parenting that helps the child feel that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a fearless state to remain in.

Banish scary characters from your child's environment. Turn off scary TV shows and videos. Even better, limit TV and videos for preschoolers to very selective viewing. Beware of films and cartoons that were created for older children and adults. Help your child discern the difference between real and imaginary characters. Talk about how cartoons and movies are made. Use puppets to put on an act. ("See, these aren't real; they only talk with your voice or move if you pull the string.")

Be careful not to transfer your own fears to your child. For example, your toddler is climbing up on the counter. If you immediately give him the fear message, "You might fall!" or "That's dangerous!" he probably will fall. Fear can actually make risk situations more dangerous. It's best to calmly walk over to the child and assist him.

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