  Parenting Pathfinders Formulate Behavioral Consequences to Encourage Personal
Responsibility in Children
Introduction to Natural & Logical Consequences
Parenting Pathfinders track
the natural and logical behavioral consequences of their children's behaviors so as to encourage them to become personally responsible for their own lives.
Parenting Pathfinders
begin this tracking from birth and continue on into their children's adulthood. Pathfinders parent their children using principles
listed in Section 3.
They
activate their children's self-esteem utilizing the developmental parenting tasks over the life span as outlined in Section 4.
They
formulate structures and policies as outlined in Section 5. They hug their children establishing lifelong bonding as outlined in Section 6.
The use of natural
and logical consequences as a response to their behaviors, encourages them to take notice much earlier and more dramatically. The earlier they learn the impact of their behaviors on themselves
the earlier they can learn to modify them and become more personally responsible for their
own outcomes. This doesn't take away from the self-esteem and bonding efforts of parents but rather enhances them.
The use of natural and logical
consequences is a thinking person's method of parenting. The goal of this approach is to eliminate all screaming, yelling, ranting and raving to get children's attention to the adverse impact
of their negative behaviors.
Instead, this model puts the
onus or burden on the children to recognize for themselves the impact of their own behaviors on themselves. The end result of implementing this model, along with the
structuring outlined in Section 5, is to assist parents to do less direct disciplining, behavioral management, or over-parenting.
Once the consequences are
recognized, agreed to, outlined and recorded, all parents need to do is remind children of the consequence if a negative behavior
should occur. Pathfinders then watch to see that the children experience the designated consequence prescribed.
This takes time investment
initially to identify natural consequences, develop logical consequences and record these for the myriad behaviors children
exhibit. There's a need to modify the list as children grow older, circumstances change and developmental needs differ.
Pathfinders utilize the family
meetings outlined in Section 5 to work out changed behavioral consequences with their children.
A natural consequence of a
behavior is what happens naturally once it's exhibited. Most of the behaviors which children engage in can be modified by
allowing them to experience the natural consequences.
The modifications result from
children realizing the negative impact to themselves of the natural consequence for their behaviors. If the natural consequence
is aversive enough to children they'll be intrinsically motivated to modify their behaviors in the future to avoid the consequence.
If the natural consequence
isn't aversive enough or if it's too dangerous to children's welfare and if it would take too long to take effect, then Pathfinders
develop logical consequences. The same goal of helping children to be intrinsically motivated to avoid engaging in unacceptable
behaviors underlies the use of logical consequences.
Logical consequences are best
when they're directly related to the behaviors in question and closely approximate the natural consequences as possible.
The notion
of requiring children to accept the consequences for their own behaviors is at the root of Pathfinders' desires to let go of the need to control the outcomes for their children.
The monitoring and tracking of consequences requires that parents have a documented listing of consequences
for all desired behaviors they wish their children to acquire. This is best handled by recording them in the policy manual outlined in Section 5.
The policy
manual then wouldn't only list the agreed upon expectations of the parents for children's behaviors but also would include the natural and logical consequences if those desired behaviors weren't exhibited.
This provides
both children and parents with a document to refer to on a regular basis to remind them of what the desired outcomes are and what the consequences would be if they don't occur.
How to use the natural and logical consequences model of Parenting
Pathfinders
Parents
who decide to use the natural and logical consequences model of Pathfinder Parenting have major adjustments
to make in their thinking, feelings and behaviors.
They must alter their views of discipline and child management. The use of the consequences model is a
form of parent management which requires them to think things out in advance based on the natural outcomes of human behavior.
This form
of parenting requires that parents place the control for their children's outcomes into their children's hands. The natural consequences for behaviors aren't always immediately
obvious. It takes time to recognize them.
There aren't always natural consequences which parents will want their children to experience. For these
they'll develop logical consequences. Deciding on logical consequences for behaviors for which natural consequences don't
exist is a difficult task.
Parents who are prone to use guilt and manipulation to get children to conform, have a difficult time in adjusting to the natural and logical consequence model. Parents who
have quick tempers &/or use intimidation to get children to conform find the change to the natural and logical consequence model a major adjustment in thinking and reacting.
Here are some rules for using the natural and logical consequences
model of parenting.
1. Never use guilt as a natural or logical consequence to get children to conform to desired behaviors (e.g.
don't use: "I would be so disappointed if you did...").
2. Never use the existence
of natural or logical consequences as tools of intimidation to get children to change behaviors (e.g. don't use: "You better not do this or else the following will happen to
you...").
3. Never use natural or logical
consequences as tools of manipulation to get children to do as you wish (e.g. don't use: "If you didn't do it, then this wouldn't
have happened to you...").
4. Never use natural or logical
consequences as "get backs" to make children sorry that they didn't do as you wanted them to (e.g.
don't use: "I'll teach you by this consequence to never do what I do not want you to do ...").
5. Never use natural or logical
consequences as punishment for doing bad {e.g. don't use: "You've been a bad kid and this
consequence will be punishment for what you have done...").
6. Never make logical consequences
too different from the natural consequence for the behavior (e.g. don't use: "I don't care what you did. What I do care about is that this is what you're going to have happen to you for doing it...").
7. Never use a logical consequence
when a natural consequence exists and it's safe for children to experience (e.g. don't
use: "I don't care what the natural consequence is I want you to experience the following instead...").
8. Never use a natural consequence
when the health and safety of children would be put at risk (e.g. don't use: "If you run
out into the road, you might get hit by a car and die, so just go ahead and try it...").
9. Never use a natural consequence
when it would take too much time for the consequence to actually occur (e.g. don't use:
"You'll get a respiratory problem from smoking when you grow older so it's your choice if you smoke or not now...").
10. Never promise to use natural
or logical consequences and then revert to an older form of discipline which will confuse your children as to what are logical consequences (e.g. don't use: "I know I promised
you that if you did that behavior that this would happen to you, but I am so mad that I'm going to give you a spanking instead...").
11. Always be consistent in your use of natural and logical consequences (e.g. do use: "You've done the following
behaviors and the natural or logical consequence for that behavior which was pointed out to your earlier are...").
12. Always spell out the natural
and logical consequences clearly so that your children fully understand them and then record them in your family journal so that you have a permanent record of them (e.g.
do use: "These are the natural and logical consequences and they're now recorded in our family journal so that we can be reminded
what they are if we ever need them...").
13. Always warn your children
in advance as much as you can of what the natural or logical consequences will be for behaviors so that you aren't placed
into a position to come up with a logical consequence after the fact.
This helps
the children recognize that natural or logical consequences for their actions are their choice and not just another form of discipline for unacceptable behaviors (e.g. do use: "You now know what the consequences for those actions are, so
it's now your choice to do them or not.,.").
14. Always be positive when using natural and logical consequences and don't revert to old form with temper or angry outbursts when your children's behaviors don't please you (e.g. do use with no ranting, raving,
yelling or screaming: " You did the following and the consequence for that is ...").
15. Always explain fully the
natural or logical consequences in detail, so as not to leave your children in question as to their duration, intensity and
directions (e.g. do use: "Now that you understand the full impact of the consequences for
those possible actions, it's your choice to do them or not...").
16. Always make sure natural
and logical consequences result in an immediate response which doesn't extend over a prolonged period of time during which
children can lose sight of why they're experiencing the consequences (e.g. do use: "You'll
experience this consequence immediately for what you've just done and you can decide for yourself if it was worth doing what you did...").
17. Always remind children
that they're free to choose their own behaviors as long as they're ready to accept the natural and logical consequences of their behaviors (e.g. do use: "You're
free to do what you want to do now that you know what will happen if you chose to do those behaviors...").
18. Always remind children
that they're responsible for their own behaviors which resulted in a natural or logical
consequence and that you'll not accept their blaming others for their choices (e.g. do use: "You did what you did and you can't point the finger
of blame to other people, for this reason you'll need to accept the following consequence...").
19. Always remind yourself
and your children that the goal of natural and logical consequences is to assist them to accept responsibility for their own lives so that they can grow up into self-sufficient, independent adults with healthy self-esteem (e.g. do use: "You'll benefit from the use of these consequences because they'll help
you to become responsible for your own life...").
20. Always let others in your
children's lives know that you practice the Pathfinder Parenting model of natural and logical consequences so that they can
use the same model with them in the various settings your children are involved in (e.g.
do use: "In our home, my children are used to the natural and logical consequence model so that they can learn to be personally responsible for their own lives and I'd prefer for you to use the same model with them...").
Developing natural & logical consequences exercise:
Directions: In section 5 is
a list of indoor & outdoor chores. In this exercise, you'll decide consequences for getting chores done.
In this exercise read each of the consequences listed under
each chore & put N in front of the consequence if you believe it to be a natural consequence & put L in front of the
consequence if you believe it to be a logical consequence.
Put NEITHER in front of the consequence if you think it's inappropriate
& it fits more into the punishment mode of discipline. The answer key appears at the end of this section.
Pick up personal items in private room
__1. If you don't pick up your room, then I'll pick it up myself
& I may just get rid of everything which I find on the floor.
__2. If you don't pick up your room, then I will keep the door
closed so that no one will see it.
__3. If you don't pick up your room, then I'll take a quarter
each day this week from your allowance it isn't cleaned up.
__4. If you don't pick up your room, then I'll give you a spanking
each day I find it a mess.
Pick up personal items in public rooms
__1. If you don't pick up your things in the public rooms by
the time you go to bed, then you'll most probably not find them the next morning because, then I'll throw them away.
__2. If you don't pick up your things in the public rooms, then
I'll make you pick them up before you go to bed.
__3. If you don't pick up your things in the public rooms, then
I'll yell & nag at you until you get it done.
__4. If you don't pick up your things in the public rooms, then
I'll pick them up because they bother me. I'll throw them onto the floor in your private floor.
Keep your room neat & picked up.
__1. If you don't keep your room neat & picked up, then
it'll become such a mess that you'll find it hard to live in there.
__2. If you don't keep your room neat & picked up, then
I'll not enter it until it is cleaned & then I'll remind you daily that it's a mess until you get it cleaned.
__3. If you don't keep your room neat & picked up, then
I'll write notices & put them on your door to remind you to get it cleaned up.
__4. If you don't keep your room neat & picked up, then
I'll deduct $1.00 each day from your allowance until it gets cleaned up.
4.0. Pick up your dirty clothes and put them into the dirty
clothes hamper.
4.1. If you do not put your dirty clothes into the laundry hamper,
then you will not have clean clothes to wear when you need them.
4.2. If you do not put your dirty clothes into the laundry basket
on time for me to wash them, then you will have to do your laundry on your own if you want them cleaned this week.
4.3. If you do not pick up your dirty clothes, then I will,
but I can't promise that they won't all be bleached since I am doing whites today.
4.4. If you do not pick up your dirty clothes on the floor,
then your room will begin to stink and you will suffer a lack of clean clothes and room stench.
5.0. Put clean clothes away in your own room.
5.1. If you don't put your clean clothes away in your room,
then you won't be able to find them when you need them.
5.2. If you don't put your clean clothes away in your room,
then I won't wash your clothes anymore since it seems like I am cleaning your clean clothes over and over.
5.3. If you do not put your clean clothes away after they are
folded and ironed, then they will get messy and unpresentable.
5.4. If you do not put your clean clothes away in your room,
then I will. But, I might not put them where you will be able to find them.
6.0. Set table for dinner and clean table after dinner.
6.1. If you do not set the table, then we won't have the utensils
to eat with and we will not allow you to eat with us.
6.2. If you refuse to clean up the table and kitchen after the
meal then you will not be allowed to eat the next meal.
6.3. If you don't help out before or after dinner, then you
will be sent to your room for the next week until you apologize and write a 1000 word essay on why it is important to help
the family out.
6.4. If do you do not assist us to get ready to eat or clean
up after eating, then you will be not be participating as a member of our family and we will have to discuss at our next family
meeting what steps we need to take to encourage your participation in this family.
7.0. Doing all the rest of the household chores listed
7.1. If you do not do this specific chore, then you will find
$.50 deducted each day from your allowance.
7.2. If you do not do this chore, then you will not get paid
for it.
7.3. If you do not do this chore, then I will do it for youyou.
But, then I will nag and complain about doing it and never let you forget that I did it for you.
7.4. If you do not do this chore to my satisfaction, then I
will yell and scream until it is done to my satisfaction.
7.5. If you do not do this chore to my satisfaction, then I
will expect you to get it done to my satisfaction before you can do anything else today.
7.6. If you do not get all of your chores done before Thursday
night bedtime, then you will not be allowed to do anything this weekend until they get done.
7.7. If you do not get all your chores done by Saturday noon,
then you will not receive your allowance for the week which is handed out at noon on Saturday.
7.8. If you do not get all your chores done today, then we will
make you stay up and get them completed before you go to bed tonight.
7.9. If you do not get the chores done which are assigned to
you, then we will let other family members do them and receive the portion of the allowance you usually receive for doing
them.
7.10. If you do not do your chores, then we will hound you until
you get them done.
7.11. If you do not do your chores, then we will give you one
smack on the butt for each chore and each day the chore was not done.
7.12. If you do not do a specific chore, then you will lose
the specific privilege earned for doing it as decided upon in our family meeting.
7.13. If you do not do your chores, then we will embarrass you
by telling your teachers and/or coaches and ask them to point out your irresponsibility to your classmates and/or team mates.
7.14. If you do not do your chores, then we will call your grandparents
and get them to make you do them.
7.15. If you do not do your chores, then we are going to go
to a counselor to get you to do them.
7.16. If you do not do this specific chore, then I will get
so mad that, then I will give you a beating you will never forget.
7.17. If you do not do this specific chore, then I will not
speak to you until you get it done right.
7.18. If you do not get this chore done, then it will go undone.
7.19. If you do not get this chore done on the outside of the
house, then all the neighbors will see that it wasn't done and they will think we are sloppy neighbors.
7.20. If you do not do this chore, then I will be very disappointed
in you.
7.21. If we all chose not to do our chores, then it would be
very uncomfortable to live in this house.
7.22. If you do not do your chores, then we will have to hire
someone to come into the house to do it. We will have to use the money we would normally spend on family recreation and leisure
activities to pay this person.
7.23. If you do not do your chores, we will not be able to have
an organized household and there will be a lot of arguments, fights and dissension making this an uncomfortable place to live.
7.24. If you do not do your chores, then you are a pig.
7.25. If you do not do your chores, then you will become an
irresponsible adult incapable of taking care of your own life and unfit to be a employee, spouse or parent.
Answer Key: Developing natural and logical consequences exercise
1.1. L
1.2. N
1.3. L
1.4. Neither - Punishment
2.1. L
2.2. N
2.3. Neither - Nagging,overcontrolling
2.4. N
3.1. N
3.2. Neither - Revenge
3.3. Neither - Fixing, overcontrolling
3.4. L
4.1. N
4.2. L
4.3. Neither - Revenge
4.4. N
5.1. N
5.2. L
5.3. N
5.4. L
6.1. L
6.2. L
6.3. Neither - Revenge
6.4. N
7.1. L
7.2. N
7.3. Neither - Guilt inducing
7.4. Neither - Intimidation
7.5. L
7.6. L
7.7. L
7.8. N
7.9. L
7.10. Neither - Nagging
7.11. Neither - Punishment
7.12. L
7.13. Neither - Revenge
7.14. Neither - Intimidation
7.15. Neither - Intimidation
7.16. Neither - Punishment
7.17. Neither - Revenge
7.18. N
7.19. N
7.20. Neither - Guilt inducing
7.21. N
7.22. N
7.23. N
7.24. Neither - Belittling
7.25. Neither - Guilt inducing
Journal Exercise:
Directions: In
your personal journal answer the following questions.
1. How do you feel about the
use of natural & logical consequences as the vehicle to assist your children to become personally
responsible?
What obstacles do you see
in using them in your family?
2. How easy do you find it
to come up with natural & logical consequences for encouraging desired behaviors in your children?
What makes this task difficult
for you?
What do you need to do to
help you make it a easier & more natural task for you?
3. How would you have responded
to the use of natural & logical consequences if your parents used them with you when you were younger?
What do you think you would
be like today, if they'd been used in a consistent healthy way when you were growing up.
4. What do you think your
children will do if you begin to change the way you discipline to the natural & logical consequence model?
What do you think you will
have the hardest time with in implementing this model in your family?
5. How effective has your
current form of discipline been with your children?
How close was it to the natural
& logical consequence model?
How difficult will it be to
convert it to this model?
6. What's your response to
this Pathfinder Parenting model to this point?
What do you like?
What do you dislike?
How practical do you find
it for your particular family?
What needs to be modified
for it to be effective with your particular family?
7. How much, of what you have
read so far in this book, is relevant to you & your family?
How would it be useful or
not useful in your family?
Why do you think much of what
you've read is either useful or not useful to be used in your family?
8. What do you feel is blocking
you from freely accepting the structure & philosophy of the Pathfinder Parenting Model?
Or what do you feel is encouraging
you to so freely & openly accept & embrace the Pathfinder Parenting Model?
9. How does the natural &
logical consequence model impact your willingness to either accept or reject the Pathfinder Parenting Model?
What alternative model of
responsible behavioral shaping do you feel would be more appropriate for you as a Pathfinder?
Or why do you feel this form
of behavioral shaping fits you so well?
10. What's the current status
of your efforts to implement the recommendation of Pathfinders in your family?
What's preventing you from
moving forward with them?
What do you need to motivate you to change your parenting approach?
What do you think accounts
for your inactivity in implementing change in your family?
Building Responsible Kids
By Maud Purcell, LCSW, CEAP
5 Apr
2001
Responsible kids. Sounds like an oxymoron! After all, aren't children the definition of irresponsible? Well, let me clear up this commonly held misconception. Kids are born with the capacity to become responsible people - it's all up to us.
Developing responsibility means becoming trustworthy or accountable for one's actions. Encouraging your child to become responsible should start at an early age. It'll take a lot of work & patience on your part, but it'll be worth every minute of effort,
both for you & for your developing child.
Pouring the
Foundation
You can't build a sturdy house without a firm foundation. The same
is true when helping your child develop responsibly: If you don't lay the groundwork early & consistently, it'll be difficult for her to develop into a trustworthy adult.
So when your child is young, take these steps to building a strong foundation:
-
Establish
rules & appropriate consequences Help her understand that rules are to be followed & that there will be
consequences if they aren't. This will encourage her to become responsible for her actions.
-
Help her
develop concern for others Teach her to share & to think of others' feelings. Caring for pets & other
living creatures is a good way to help kids develop empathy. Insist that she treat others in a kindly & mannerly fashion.
-
Give her
chores From an early age, kids are capable of putting away their toys & helping with simple tasks. Completing
chores will give her a feeling of accomplishment & self-sufficiency. It'll also make her feel like a member of the home
team!
-
Allow her
to make choices This should be done in an age-appropriate way. i.e., small children can choose a bedtime story,
or make a choice from a selection of breakfast cereals.
Framing
the House
As your child matures, she will have a steady foundation upon which to build a "house" of personal
responsibility. As she frames her house, guide her in the following ways:
-
Whenever
possible, act as advisor, not as director, in her life Give her increasing chances to make her own decisions while
still under your roof. As a result, the world will seem a lot less threatening later on. And she'll know how to exercise good
judgment if she has lots of practice in this area.
-
Continue
to establish rules & follow thru with consequences Rules are not just for little kids! In fact, as your child heads
toward the teen years, structure may become even more important. If kids become accustomed to following rules, they'll be
equipped to establish structure in both their internal & external worlds once they leave home.
-
Encourage
her to earn & manage money Developing a good work ethic & learning to manage money is key to becoming
a responsible adult. Give her opportunities to earn money while she is still young. When she becomes a teen, assist her in obtaining part-time
work. Teach her to save a portion of her earnings. Help her start checking & savings accounts & encourage her to begin
putting money away for car insurance, clothes or college.
-
Help her
understand the importance of giving to others Encourage her to participate in community service or volunteer work.
Insist that she reach out to friends & family in need. Becoming a responsible person means looking out for others as well as oneself.
Without one final element,
your child's house of responsibility will crumble: You must model responsibility yourself. In fact, your own actions will have more of an impact on her development than anything else! The task of helping
her to become a responsible person may seem daunting. But I promise it's doable, one building block at a time!
Maud
Purcell, LCSW, CEAP, is a psychotherapist and corporate consultant based in Stamford, Conn. Purcell contends that problems
are a normal part of living, and that most dilemmas have straightforward, common-sense solutions. Purcell lives with her husband
and teen-age daughter. Her e-mail address is: maudpurcell@aol.com
Last reviewed: On 13 Feb
2006 By John M. Grohol, Psy.D.
Encouraging Responsible Cell Phone Use - By Barbara McRae, MCC
Today, a teen's
gift list is likely to include a cell phone right next to requests for video games and toys. But in the hands of a child without
direction, a cell phone can be an enormous problem. How can you avoid the pitfalls and teach your teenager to use the phone
responsibly?
With 25% of cell phone revenues coming from children and teens, it's
no question that charges for excess minutes, text messages and email services can be a problem for parents. This is especially
true now that cell phone companies are marketing to ever younger children.
What's
more, as companies develop new features, parents will be repeatedly under pressure to buy new and improved phones for their
kids. Then, there are all the accessories, such as carrying cases that match those of their friends, as well as the coolest
new ring tones.
Which Plan?
Local unlimited
plans can work if your child understands that they will be responsible for paying for excess minutes. Calls within the same
network are usually free under the plan, which allows you to stay in contact with your child at any time.
If, on the other hand, your kid can't be trusted with minutes, opt for a prepaid plan. With these plans, when
the minutes run out, the service goes dead.
Disturbing Use of Cell Phones
A few disturbing trends have emerged among teenagers with cell phones. Intimidating, and sometimes
threatening, text messages are being sent to others. It has become so prevalent, in fact, that the practice has been given
a name – "cyber-bullying."
Another trend is the use of “texting”
and internet features to cheat during tests in school. But school isn't the only place your child can get into trouble with
a cell phone. Your child needs to understand that there are laws against taking photographs and videos of people without their
knowledge. The photo feature of a cell phone needs to be used carefully.
While some
states have laws against driving while talking on a cell phone, it is best to avoid this practice. If your teen sees you doing
it, he will probably also do it. For a teen with little driving experience, this is an accident waiting to happen. A hands-free
device is an absolute necessity.
If your child spends time in internet chat rooms,
make sure her cell phone number isn't being given out to anyone and everyone on the internet. Not only is your child at risk
to predators on the internet, but these people will also reach out via cell phone if they get your child's number.
Sometimes, it makes sense to put your agreement with your child in writing, especially if violations
of rules have been a problem. This will let your child know exactly what the consequences will be if the rules are broken
again.
The Practicalities
If you haven't
yet gotten a cell phone for your child, sit down and really think about how it will be used. The fact that all of her friends
have one is not a good enough reason for the expense of a phone.
On the other hand,
if it will allow you to keep better tabs on your child's whereabouts and/or make connections for pick-ups from school and
activities, it may actually be a good investment. If you're divorced, a cell phone can be very helpful while your child is
staying with the other parent, especially if you'd prefer to keep your contact with your former spouse to a minimum.
Another consideration is that emergencies do happen, and once your teen is driving, it simply
makes sense to have a cell phone in case the car breaks down. Some telephones even have GPS tracking so that you can know
where your child is 24/7.
Setting Limits
If
you decide your younger child should have a cell phone, or if your teen is prone to breaking the rules, many phones have restrictions
to allow you to set specific limits. For example, you can set the numbers that can be called and the numbers from which calls
can be received. You can prevent internet access, text messaging, and other services that can be both expensive and problematic.
Still other phones have a timer feature which allows you to set the phone to shut down when you
specify. This prevents it from ringing at school and keeps your kid from talking on the phone all night under the covers.
If you want to teach your teen to use the phone responsibly, your best bet is to require that
extra use, email and text messages are paid out of allowance, wages from a job, or through chores around the house. If you
set the list of numbers that can be called, your child could be responsible for paying for any numbers that are not on your
list.
Many parents have a fear that their children will be on cell phones all the
time, even at the dinner table. Again, the only way for children and teens to use cell phones responsibly is to have limits
set and enforced by you. This includes restricting cell phone use where a land line is available so that family dinner time
can stay out of the technological age.
Teaching a Child Responsible Behavior
Begins at Home - By Lori S. Anton
Parents are teachers, too. When it comes to child rearing, one of the most important lessons a parent can teach their youngster is responsible behavior. This means helping
the child learn how to interact with others in a way that displays self-respect, as well as respect toward others.
No child comes into this world pre-programmed with good manners and
virtuous attributes such as a willingness to share, consideration for the feelings of others, respect for others possessions, respect for authority figures, and a selfless attitude.
Consideration, responsible behavior must be taught while a child is very young so that it is instilled
by the time they are older, when irresponsible behavior risks evolving into criminal behavior.
Teaching a child about responsible behavior begins at home. It is accomplished
by setting a good example on a daily basis. Parents do this by being conscientious about exhibiting maturity in the ways they
deal with other people, react to stressful situations, disagree with others, make choices, etc.
Parents can help their children grow into responsible adults by being a positive
role model. Helping them learn how to think, feel, and act responsibly, and to pursue their
own interests without becoming insensitive of the needs and feelings of others.
Accountability,
fairness, honesty, courage, and respect toward self and others are important character traits. Many parents help instill these qualities by sharing deeply held religious and moral convictions with their
children. Showing “why” these attributes are important as a foundation for ethical behavior, even when difficult or not materially rewarding.
Responsible
behavior is a cultivated trait. It is a characteristic formed over time, made up of our outlook on life and daily habits.
Responsible people behave that way whether or not anyone is watching, and regardless of
how others may act.
There are several aspects of responsible
behavior that should be highlighted to children. At the top of the list is respect and Compassion toward others. This should be the corner stone for all other aspects of responsible
behavior:
• Honesty
•
Courage
• Self-control
• Self-respect
Respect and Compassion: Responsible behavior is impossible apart from respect and compassion toward other people, as well as other life forms. Compassion dictates kindness and an unwillingness to intentionally
cause suffering or pain. Respect dictates basic manners and consideration toward others. Concern is exhibited through both feelings and actions.
Honesty:
To be honest means not only telling the truth to others; it means being honest with one’s own self. It means making
decisions based upon truth and evidence, not upon self-serving motives or prejudice.
Courage:
When a person is courageous, they take a position and do what is right, even when there is risk involved. It means facing
duties instead of behaving irresponsibly, recklessly, or carelessly.
Self-control:
Self-control is the ability to act responsibly, and resist inappropriate behavior. It involves
sticking to long-term commitments, and dealing with anger and other emotions in a responsible manner.
Self-respect: When a child is raised to be honest, courageous, and to exhibit self-control, they automatically
learn to respect themselves. It is as they respond to people and circumstances in a responsible manner and
learn to make responsible choices that they discover self-respect.
And it is self-respect that will hold your child in good stead as they grow, mature into adults, and then perhaps
become responsible parents with children of their own to rear.
For specific ways to teach children responsible behavior, visit the Savvy
Baby Gear web site.
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Additional Resources!
Teaching Children Responsibility
Having A Blast In Their
Own Zone: Children enjoy having a sense of ownership of their time & space. Allowing them
this will teach them responsibility
Practical Ways to Teach a Child Responsible Behavior
- By Lori S. Anton
Responsible behavior
doesn’t come naturally; it is a learned trait. It is important for parents to teach their children responsible behavior
at an early age; a healthy respect for the feelings of others, and a strong sense of right and wrong.
Combined with setting
a good example and involvement in a young child’s development of social skills, spend quality time with your
child and instruct them about proper, responsible behavior. It can go a long way in helping to correct behavior problems that
could lead to serious consequences down the road.
Everyday experiences
are a parent’s best tool when it comes to teaching responsible behavior. Because this type behavior is a learned trait,
it can become habit through repetitiveness.
Parents can effectively
teach children with both words and deeds. Parents can always tell a child to respect others, and they may or may not
comply in any given situation. But, when a parent consistently shows respect for other’s opinions, feelings, and possessions,
they teach their children to do the same.
Actions + Words = Effective Training Methods
Our daily actions, attitudes, and social skills speak louder and much more effectively
than words. As children watch what we do and ask questions, a golden opportunity is presented to teach valuable “life-lessons.”
“Mommy, why did you let that old
lady skip in front of us?”
“Because she had only a few things to buy and we have a full cartload. I didn’t
want her to have to stand in line for a long time.”
“Do you know her?”
“No.
I’ve never met her before.”
“Then how do you know she didn’t want to wait in line.”
“Because
she looked uncomfortable, and seemed to be in a hurry.”
By exhibiting
responsible, considerate behavior toward others, children learn from our actions. As we encourage questions and answer
in ways that explain why we did something, children better understand and become more conscientious of other people’s
needs instead of just their own.
Story Time…A Golden Opportunity to Teach Responsibility
Another good method for teaching children responsible behavior is with the use of stories. Most
children are enthusiastic when it comes to having someone read them a story. Select books that teach life-lessons, and then
discuss what was read.
At www.savvy-baby-gear.com we suggest you encourage the child to ask questions, seeking the
opportunity to emphasize good character traits, and the awareness that all actions – good or bad – will have consequences.
Every Day Presents Opportunities of Its Own
Consistency and
application are keys when teaching small children about responsible behavior. Spend time with your child regularly.
Encourage them to tell you about their day and things that happened; what they thought or felt, what they saw or heard, what
they did or wanted to do. Use every opportunity to stimulate thoughts of awareness.
Put emphasis
on positive feelings, emotions, and qualities such as bravery, thoughtfulness, compassion, honesty, kindness, etc.
Help your children identify these traits in persons they know, characters they see on television, or people they read about.
Help them to identify and cultivate these qualities in themselves. At the end of each day, ask, “How were you honest
today?” or “Tell me two ways you were considerate to someone else today.”
Show Children How to Handle Negative Feelings Responsibly
Also help children explore acceptable ways to effectively deal with negative feelings
such as anger, hurt, resentment, loneliness, etc. If a child expresses feelings of anger toward someone, avoid the urge to
say that anger is wrong; instead, explore their feelings of anger with them.
Ask why they were angry, or ask them to tell you how angry they were. Help
them understand that while it's natural to feel angry at times, how we express that anger is very important. There are acceptable
ways to express anger, as well as unacceptable ways.
Tell them a story or cite an
example of someone who experienced a particular negative feeling, then ask your child questions like, “What should Becky
have done when she got angry?” or, “Why do you think Eric was lonely? What could he have done about it?”
Helping a child to understand the feelings of others as well as their own
& appropriate ways to express those feelings, are big strides toward learning responsible behavior.
By spending
time with your child on a regular basis & teaching thru example & discussion, you equip your child with good
socialization skills & cultivate responsible behaviors sure to benefit them & others around them for a lifetime.
©2006 Lori S. Anton, editor
Savvy-Baby-Gear.com
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